January 23, 2024

Goodbye, Timo

My sadness will come out in various ways. Yesterday, when I said goodbye to Tim, I told myself I had to be the strong one, as he cried quietly and quickly on my shoulder. It was the end of an affair--a passionate one, though brief--and now that he's in New York, we'll move on to being other things to each other. I do hope this is the case.

I met Tim at a party before Christmas, but he left before we could really talk to each other. As he left I had this urge to run after him and tell him to stay. Instead, I emailed our friend in common to ask for his number as soon as I was at work that Monday morning. Turns out, he was emailing that same friend that moment as well, so we quickly arranged to get together.

Over pints at the 19 Bar (a mutual favorite watering hole for us), we got to know each other a bit more. On the walk back to my apartment--and it wasn't the beer talking--I said, "you know, I don't care that you're moving away to New York in month. I like you, and I'm going to keep liking you." He replied that he felt the same. Thus begin our brief affair.

We tried very hard to keep perspective on things, while still not allowing the impending date of departure (plane tickets purchased, furniture sold on craigslist) to dampen things too much. Perhaps it added to the passion.

I've always been acutely aware of the time-bound nature to life in general. And, perhaps for me more than others, the time-bound nature of relationships. You never know when the river we're all standing in will sweep us away to a new city, a new school, a new part of our life in which the man we're with doesn't figure anymore. Some might have called me and Tim foolish--why bother investing emotions and time with someone else who you know is going to leave someday? But we never know the opposite--that he's going to stay forever. I spent time with Tim because he's beautiful--the way he looks while he's sleeping, the way his body looks lying on top of the covers, the sounds he makes when he kisses, the kind things he says or the kindness he conveys in his own touches.

We were bound to South Minneapolis. No week-long trips to Montreal, no gifts, no expensive meals (except for Friday night's at Bobino). Instead, we touched each other where neither of us had been touched for a while.

It was last week when I realized that, throughout this period, as is usually the case, something had been tunneling under my fortifications. It was the same with Tim. We had tamed each other, and we had only ourselves to blame.

I hope New York is everything Tim wants it to be. I hope he finds the kind of guy that always eluded him in Minneapolis--the kind of guy, he would tell me he found at the end, ironically, here in Minneapolis. I know I'll be happy for him. For now, I'll be sad, and take comfort in its implications.

Posted by jason at January 23, 2024 07:39 PM

Sorry to hear things ended up this way, Jason. Hope the both of you are coping alright. It's amazing how people land in your life at times... maybe this is one of those experiences the universe gave you for a bigger reason.

Posted by: SparklesMpls at January 23, 2024 09:02 PM

Poor thing...I can feel your pain because I've been there. Hang in there because it gets easier to deal with and the lesson learned from allowing yourself to love regardless is invaluable...

Posted by: Jeff at January 24, 2024 10:31 AM

Good luck to the both of you, Jason. You both are good shit.

Posted by: Dunner at January 24, 2024 11:10 AM

When we are reminded of how fleeting it all is, things become so much more intense.

Posted by: Robt at January 26, 2024 06:14 PM

I miss you Jas.

Posted by: Timo at January 27, 2024 04:52 PM