November 16, 2024

Colder than a witch's...

Yes, it's cold this morning. Wind chill of 4 above. Crusty sneeze of snow on the ground.

On a morning like this we'd go out to feed the chickens. Coming back inside, mom would say, "Colder than a witch's patooty!"

What's a patooty? I have my ideas, but it's a Northern Minnesota term, I think. Other variations up there were:

"Colder than a witch's teet."
"Colder than a witch's tit."

Anyone know of any other variations?

meet the IT gigolo

Posted by jason at November 16, 2024 07:54 AM

Colder than a gravedigger's ass.

Posted by: glen at November 16, 2024 09:00 AM

"patootie," by the way, is in the Oxford English Dictionary. It's early 20th century slang for "girlfriend." Witch's patootie: think about THAT.

Posted by: glen at November 16, 2024 09:32 AM

I always thought the ultimate Minnesotan thing to say was, "Aw, it's not that cold out."

Posted by: James at November 16, 2024 01:15 PM

How about "Colder than a witch's tit in a copper bra?"

Posted by: Shane at November 16, 2024 04:15 PM

No, no no James! The Minnesotan must complain about the weather, no matter if its 10 below or a 110 with a hundred percent humidity. Not even the happy mediums which would tickle others pink illicit at the least a sign of displeasure from the lips of the Minnesota at the lot they have drawn. On the first warm day of the year the buses turn on their air conditioning full blast. When those 70 degree days begin in May you complain about the mosquitos that are keeping you indoors.

But the Minnesota possesses the skills of a great rhetoritician when it comes to discussing the weather with non-locals or recent implants. Before the cold starts, its a steady water-torture of warnings about how cold it going to get...have you bought a winter coat yet? You'll need something stronger than that...your snot will freeze, etc. Inevitably, a Minnesota will find him or herself complaining about the weather with a non-local. When that happens, the Minnesotan must somehow elevate him or herself above the non-local as MORE worthy to be comlaining about the weather.

This is done through a mythical appeal to a weather event from the past, which the non-local did not experience and, due to its severity, could never comprehend. Well, you are right, its cold now but shit you didn't have to wait for the bus in February of 1995 when it didn't get above zero degrees farenheit for three weeks in a row...or Yeah, snow...I remember the Halloween BLizzard of 96 where we got three feet of snow on the 31st... In so doing, the Minnesotan is saying to you, Shut up, foreign cur, you have not yet earned your stripes ye main character in To Build a Fire.

Posted by: jason at November 17, 2024 07:48 AM

Apologies for the inaccuracy.
But then again, what do I know? An Iowa transplant, I still have problems figuring out the enigma of the average Minnesotan even after seven or so years here. Down in the tropics, we must not have your fancy colloquialisms for weather as we've truly never experienced weather.
Or perhaps saying that it's not that cold out is an Iowa thing, a way to rush through the subject, as we don't dwell on trivialities as much.

Posted by: James at November 17, 2024 12:09 PM

mmmm the Minnesotan MUST dwell on trivialities...lest we have to talk about the fact that we really don't like you, and are only pretending to be nice to you...

Posted by: jason at November 17, 2024 01:04 PM

colder then a tootie's tattie.

Posted by: jb at November 21, 2024 09:07 AM

If Eskimos have seven different words for snow, why shouldn't Minnesotans have a gazillion ways to say "it's cold out"?

Posted by: glen at November 22, 2024 03:11 PM
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