December 01, 2024

True confessions!

So I feel really embarrassed admitting this, but not many people know I'm into crafts. It's all my mom's fault. And yet she acted so surprised when I came out! It's a secret I keep hidden inside me. I was crafty, but not in a guy way. My pinewood derby cars came in last. My birdhouses let in the squirrels. I hated hammers and saws scared me. But from the moment I could walk I was sweeping the northwoods forest floor for ground pine. Like a good little acolyte, I made heart-shaped wreaths out of grape vine and glue-gunned them with eucalyptus and freeze-dried apple slices to sell at the church bazaar, proceeds sending my little chubby butt to France for a summer. I did hook-a-rug by the fire all winter, and stamped my own cards with sponges shaped like tulips.

I'm a closet-crafter, not entirely dissimilar to the secret scrapbooker. I don't knit in front of the boob tube or 'distress' my jeans in the kitchen sink. Instead, I sneak off to Michael's craft store out in the burbs before the holidays.


I always go with a set list in my hand to try and head off impulse buys, but once I'm wandering down the aisles of plastic flowers, candle-making kits and plain wooden doo-hickeys, I'm totally spacing out and suddenly envisioning myself in a powder-blue smock at a pine Shaker worktable stenciling holly berries and vine on to homemade wrapping paper made out of pulped cereal boxes and birch bark.

At this time of year, Michael's maintains extended hours, keeping the light on until ten p,m. But in the middle of a snowstorm at 8 pm on a Wednesday it's pretty deserted--mostly middle-aged moms in sweaters decorated with west highland terriers and their suffering husbands who head straight to the oversized martini glasses. The store has hired extra help for the holidays--a couple of zitty suburban teen boys with overbites and thick glasses who look at me blankly when I ask them where they keep the puff paint. Soon my basket is full of shit and I've done a bit of 'flirting' with the check-out girl, whose glowing like a salmon in her fake bronzer. We chit-chat about the state of eucalyptus these days and why they don't keep candle-making implements with the candle-holders...duh!

And guess what everyone's getting for Christmas this year...


Posted by jason at December 1, 2024 10:23 AM

you go from r-rated gay porn images to a post about crafts? you are one sick faggot.

Posted by: cranky fag at December 1, 2024 04:54 PM

I guess you are a Cranky Fag....wanna come over and Knit...Maybe i'll stick a needle in your cranky arse!

Posted by: Seb at December 2, 2024 03:39 PM

not a sick faggot...just a cliché.

Posted by: jason at December 3, 2024 11:55 AM

I bought rubber stamps, construction paper, and fake glitter-snow this year to make holiday cards. Yes, it's ok if "old" and "sad" are two adjectives that spatter on the wall of your mind right now.

Posted by: scott at December 3, 2024 12:35 PM

hope you send me one!

Posted by: jason at December 3, 2024 01:07 PM
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