April 25, 2006

My new favorite blog

olivia_4_06 Well, it has been my favorite blog for quite some time, as Olivia's faithful recording of her simple life reveals beautiful pearls of wisdom. Had myspace been available to Emily Dickinson, she may have come up with something quite similar.

Olivia haunts a small set of rooms as well, visiting various puke corners on her decrepit legs, searching garbage cans for things to chew on, and passing gas. Now in the twilight of her life, she spends days on the couch or on her master's bed, contemplating her long, hard life:

Thursday this week pretty much blew a goat. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I saw was the wrapper for a bar of dark chocolate with dried cherries and almonds. I wondered what it was doing by my head on the couch. Then I remembered that I ate that candy bar the night before and passed out. Oops. Miss Emily saw the wrapper and yelled and me and said the "F" word. Whatever.

Then there was a thunderstorm. I hate storms. I tried to talk to Miss Nicole about it, but she kicked me out of her room after I laid two farts. I don't understand why that is such a problem. Whatever.

After the storm died down, I was hella bored, so I went into Miss Emily's room and knocked over her garbage can. It was full of tasty Kleenex. I chewed them all up and I ate some tinfoil. Miss Emily came home and she was fire pissed. She grabbed me by the scruff and dragged me into her room and yelled at me. I pretended to be scared so she would lay the fuck off. But it didn't really work. She wouldn't let me up on the sofa, and I had to lay on my stupid old bed.

Her health problems are myriad...breast cancer, arthritis, chronic fatigue, flatulence. Yet in her rheumy eyes, one cannot help but see the fire of life, burning brightly. You can't keep this girl down for long.

But she's an old dog and she's led a good life, and continues to, but when reading her blog one cannot help but utter under one's breath, Ubi sunt, Olivia...ubi sunt. Any one of us could have come to this earth as a dog and suffered the injustices wrought upon Miss Olivia...incest, puppy mill, diarrhea from ingesting tinfoil, flatulence, vengeance from human females. Keep up the good fight.

nuclear nightmares: twenty years since chernobyl | ascii generator | das keyboard | the end of dildos in south carolina?

Posted by jason at April 25, 2006 08:08 AM

Will you write my biography?

Posted by: Olivia Roach at April 25, 2006 09:55 PM

I love you.

Posted by: scott at April 26, 2006 12:34 AM
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