Slandering Slanderous

Slanderous Minneapolis is a bunch of fun poop, don't you think? Ever since it was awarded the City Pages's Best Of the City prize for Best Locally-Generated-Bowel-I-mean-Blog I've been like, wha happened? It's basically a collection of made-up stories written in the well-trod echo of a Gawker voice (i.e.: woman pretends to be gay man) about how that Watson's bitch was totally scarfin down a big-ass steak at the TGI Friday's in Eden Prairie and then, like, snorted coke off Don Sheldby's mantits or something.

So here's my own Slanderous Hotdish:

1 pint of aping Gawker
10 ozs canned humor (strained)
1 crushed dream of being bent over by Rick Kupchella
A sprinkle of dumb design (to taste)

There are better bloggers around, and I have to wonder why they didn't win. Fimoculous? Eleventh Avenue South? Powerline? All better (and prettier) than you. Hell, even Powerline, though they're a bunch of dicks, has, in a purely objective sense, got a pretty damn fucking good blog. If you let them tell the story, they were instrumental in re-electing George Bush and giving Peter Jennings lung cancer. Now that's POWER. I bet City Pages thought the political blogs were too ishy to get an award. But most of them make up half their stories, too.

Made up stories are fine, but when they read like Gawker throw up, you've lost me. Here's some free legal advice: Pretending C.J. is an alcoholic isn't going to get you a libel suit (and by the way, those white horns you doctored her Star Tribune photo with? TOTALLY RACIST). And you need a libel suit. Desperately. If you haven't been sued for slander by now, then dude, you gotta change the motherFUCKING name.

I want the real shit. Trust me, it's out there. Like the story behind Bjork's face-rash at the Walker opening. How the arrival of Wolfgang Puck might revive the city's underground fetish scene. The size of Onterrio Smith's Whizzonator. And what else Michelle Bachmann (or her son) does in high heels.

I know, I know. There's so very little for local bloggers to pick over. And competition to "break" a "story" is pretty intense. I mean, I totally know of at least four websites that have already typed up their "alan sparhawk just slashed his wrists!" post in the hopes of being the first to "break" the story, with a revised timestamp of course. But if you're going to sling shit, you better go ask Juan Rincon to 'roid up your pitchin' arm.

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