June 11, 2024

Judy, Judy, Judy


Yes, her birthday was yesterday, but I was too busy getting wasted with gay boys which is exactly what she would have done to really give a thought to the magnitude of the date until late in the day when I was at Three Fers at the leather bar, the Minneapolis Eagle, my head woozy with the pungent aromas of cigar smoke and swampy armpits, that my mind soared, above all the gays, and it was like I was channeling her last moments (that date will come later this month, on June 22). I could feel the cold porcelain of the toilet, massaging my back, taste the sharp bitter barbituates, and hear Mickey Devinko's frantic searching for her throughout their Cadogan Mews cottage.

According to legend, they had been watching the documentary The Royal Family on television, when they had an argument. We can only imagine what it was about--who would get to be queen if they were ever to become royalty, perhaps. All we know is that by the time Mickey found her sitting upright on the pot, rigor mortis had already set in. (Also known as Mickey Deans, Devinko died in 2003 of congestive heart failure. For hounding her with his latent homosexual desires, perhaps contributing to her death, he deserved to die much earlier, of something related to the genitals).

Now she was a true self-destructive entertainer. The gals today got shit on her, except maybe Whitney. These lame-ass bitches with their anorexias and their bubblegum pop and their stupid reality tv shows? They ain't got shit on her. Call me when your baby has FAS, Britney.


I would now like to share with my readers something I am only too willing to share with my friends, over and over again, much to their annoyance. And that is the special connections I have to the incomparable Judy Garland.

  • We both had inauspicious beginnings in the Northern Minnesota woods.
  • We both were driven from our bucolic upbringings due to maverick sexual tendencies.
  • We have both suffered through a string of debilitating relationships with homosexual men.
  • We both have had to deal with the cruel fate of having a promising life entertaining people replaced with an existence filled with despair and prescription drugs.
  • My great uncle was the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
  • Our trajectories took us both to London, only she died and I survived.
  • My great great cousin is in a nursing home next door to the house in Grand Rapids where Judy was born.

Based on these uncanny connections and eerie similarities, I've often thought of myself as Judy's avatar, if you will....her messenger, sent forth from the North Woods to carry forward her message of booze, singing, and loving homos.

To commemorate the date of her death, Minnesota Public Radio aired a special documentary on the life of Judy Garland, called Beyond the Rainbow. You can list to it here. It's FABULOUS. God, I'm starting to get really nostalgic here, even though I was born about thirty years after her death. But I think I can hear her, honestly. I think I'm going to drink gin in the bathtub now, folks.


Frances Ethel Gumm (aka Judy Garland): b. June 10, 1922. d. June 22, 1969. Rest in peace, Auntie Judy.

best c.j. article ever; microbes prefer diner fries to mcdonald's fries; is your pet rabbit a boy or a girl?; someone buy this for me; TORRENT: new six feet under episode; 'for all you do, His blood's for you!'; ever came across an mp3 file but didn't have time to download it?; is it judy speaking or the pills?

Posted by jason at June 11, 2024 11:24 AM

micky dean i think....

Posted by: damian at June 12, 2024 05:51 AM

shoulda read further b4 i posted i see. apologies n hugz d xx

Posted by: damian at June 12, 2024 06:00 AM

I remember Judy's appearances on live tv in the 60s, and bizarre experiences those were. The whole nuclear family sitting around our 19-inch Sylvania in the living room, watching this woman who clearly came from outer space even if mom assured us she used to be Dorothy in Wizard of Oz. It's a wonder my nascent gay gene wasn't straighted-out forthwith. Maybe it was, because I've never been able to understand Judyolatry.

Judy on her tv show or with Jack Parr: anorexic, tottering about the stage on her black pumps, shaky voiced and dilated-eyed, constantly hugging herself, and then those weird mechanical arm flailings when she was belting it out. Far too old for that faux-pixie persona, and way, way too eager to please.

Even then she had her fan entourage of sob-sister faggots, whose shrieks from the audience could be clearly heard despite the primitive microphoning of those days.

A friend of mine says that gay men go for Judyolatry because she's pathetic and they think they're pathetic too. Nah. I think it's because she's pathetic and they get off on that. Creep me out. As Cher--now THERE's a gay icon--says to Nicholas Cage in 'Moonstruck': snap out of it!

Posted by: glen at June 12, 2024 08:32 AM


Posted by: j at June 12, 2024 01:30 PM

Great post, except the picture at the top is of Lucille Ball!

Posted by: jimg at June 14, 2024 09:06 AM

only a tragic queen knows for sure...

Posted by: jason at June 14, 2024 09:53 AM
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