The mania for lists and rankings has now migrated from People magazine to Five O'Clock Bot. Have you noticed that when serious people make lists they always say "in no particular order"--as if it's OK to rank things by 25 but stupid to rank them individually?

I once read something by a consultant explaining why newspapers publish so many rankings (top restaurants, top movies, etc etc). He said it's because people are authority-conscious and they want somebody to tell them what's good, instead of having to think for themselves--or worse yet, actually investigate some unknown things.

Of course none of that applies to Five O'Clock Bot, though if it had more readers we could fear inundation by people's lists.

My favorite books, in no particular order, are A La Recherche du Temps Perdu, The Wind in the Willows, and The Poky Little Puppy.

What? No Naked Lunch?

Ah, Naked Lunch. Every disaffected young queer highschool kid's wet dream. Wait, that would be On The Road. If you're wet dreams come straight out of the pages of Naked Lunch, you'd just be a sick fuck. Which I guess I am. But while Kerouac endures somehow, Burroughs hasn't.

"Naked Lunch"? You can't be serious. I didn't think anyone read those books anymore. Maybe pretentious college students...

Ernest Hemingway?!

"Lolita" should be at the top of your list. "The Little Prince" too. What? No "Call of the Wild"?

All in all, a very comprehensive list, I suppose.

Apt illustrations of what's wrong with such lists. People quickly start putting down other people's choices, and their own non-choices. I teach Burroughs sometimes, but I wouldn't teach Kerouac. So now Jason tells me that one endures and the other doesn't. Well, as they say, nothing endures like endurance. Pretty soon we'll be talking about universal verities.

Writers and books aren't baseball teams, and there are no playoffs, so perhaps literate people could opt out of those analogies. Go Timberwolves.

That reminds me of our old American literature basketball team, with its starting five of "Nat" Hawthorne, "Carlos" Williams, "Wally" Stevens, "Hank" James, and of course "Walt" Whitman.

You "teach" Burroughs but wouldn't dream of teaching Kerouac?! What class would this be for? American Literature for Tools 101?

The myth that the worth of things like art and literature can or should only be measured from a purely subjective standpoint is the greatest rip-off ever perpetuated by the Amurrican academic establishment. The entire notion that "newspapers publish so many rankings (top restaurants, top movies, etc etc)...because people are authority-conscious and they want somebody to tell them what's good, instead of having to think for themselves--or worse yet, actually investigate some unknown things" is seriously flawed. This assumes that without such authorities spouting forth their ideas on what's good and what's bad, your average person would be wandering the streets making these decisions for himself. What a load of rubbish. It's more than likely, that without the authority drenched opinion of an “expert,” your average man will stay at home, watch some TV, eat a frozen dinner, and then go to bed. The vast majority of people out there have neither the time or resources to venture forth and try everything on their own. They turn to “experts” for suggestions on how to expand their horizons without having to risk a loss of their resources on something that might prove to be a total waste of time and money. Unlike academics, who clearly have the time and know how to explore all the facets of Amurrica's various cultural offerings, no matter how dubious a venture this may be, a postal worker from Hoboken, New Jersey needs someone to tell them what is good or bad so that they'll have time to deliver the fucking mail. Instead of being slammed for "not thinking for themselves" they should be congratulated for even trying to expand their horizons, no matter how mediocre the indulgence.

Lithium and Valium are available online.

That's it? That's your best comeback? You're a total phony, aren't you?

Shut the fuck up Chris. Debate the merits of teaching Kerouac over Burroughs all you want if it makes you feel better, but don't call my friend a phony.

You're right, I'm sorry. Using the word phony was wrong of me. Particularly when terms like "arrogant blowhard" and "total fraud are far more apt and descriptive. Either way, your friend Glenn is an asshole. Of course, that must be my bi-polar disorder talking. Whatever. Enjoy your trip to Seattle, Jason.

Nah Chris, you're the arrogant blowhard asshole on here.